Do Perfect Moms Exist?

I'm not a perfect mom, but I've heard about them. You know, those moms who truly love every moment of motherhood, never yell, always have their kids clothes ironed, put a hot meal on the table every night, and never make any parenting “mistake". At least, I think those mothers exist. Or maybe they’re a big urban legend created by someone who wanted to make the rest of us feel bad. True, I only have a few friends who have children, but none of those women are anything like the Supermom of legends. They’re like me. They screw up. They periodically break some of the parenting rules. They sometimes don’t shave their legs for days on end, and their houses are trashed. They drink cocktails before noon on occasion. They sometimes put “real” clothes on just before their husband gets home, and their husband would probably say they don't have enough sex. They secretly wish their kids were old enough start kindergarten. I love these women in my life. They are my beacon of sanity that make me feel like I’m okay.

You would probably agree with me when I say, "My children are my life's greatest blessing". It's true. I love them more than words can say, and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. That being said, let's cut the crap for a minute. There are feelings we have as mothers that aren't exactly politically correct, and we usually end up just holding them in. See, this is the “touchy” part of motherhood. The part that, if you’re honest, people will judge you rather harshly for. Our society doesn’t let you say these things aloud. I mean, what would your friends and family think if your Facebook status said, “Stephanie just totally screamed at her kids and really wants to go drive around for awhile by herself and leave them home alone.”? They would judge you. They would say you’re a bad mom.

I think if most moms were truly allowed to say, without judgment, how they really feel about the stresses of being a stay at home mom, they would say, “I don’t do it because I love it. I do it because I love them.” I can only speak for myself, and at the end of the day I don’t think I’m anywhere close to being the best mom in the world and I certainly don’t love all that comes along with it. However, I’d rather it be me raising them and being with them everyday than anybody else. And that’s why I do it.

Even with the best of intentions, somedays I just don’t know how to keep my sanity. I’m a mature, logical person. I am capable of mentally coaching myself with phrases such as, “Don’t sweat the small stuff” and “Before you know it they’ll be grown, so savor every moment and every mess”. But sometimes I’m unable to mindfreak myself with these things. All I know is that I cannot remember the last time I was alone, either with my husband or just myself. And no, I do not consider naptimes and after-their-bedtimes to be quality alone time with him or myself because what are those times filled with? Getting the other shit done that has to be done. Paying bills or vacuuming, tackling the never ending pile of laundry, or god forbid doing something to keep myself up like paint my toenails or color my hair. No, what I’m talking about is a true break. That kind of break that I hear women talk about and I envy. The kind of break where their nanny, mother, or mother-in-law busts through the door for her four hour shift and you go get in your car alone and buckle only your own seatbelt and go do whatever the hell you want to do out in the real world beyond your front door. Just based on family situations, those breaks in my life have been very few and far between.

See, you’re probably judging me right now, aren’t you? You’re thinking, “Wow, that’s terrible to say you need and want a lot of time away from your kids.” No, it’s not. Because here’s my theory--Short of going to extremes where your child is raised by non-familial household employees while you have an overextended social life and are never home to tuck them in, I think that the more breaks you have for yourself, the better mom you are. Think about it: If you’re making dinner and one kid gets in your purse and smooshes the top of your favorite lipstick into it’s lid and the other gets in the pantry and spills a whole box of Cheerios all over the floor, you’re a lot less likely to lose your shit and yell at them if you went out for an hour or two that morning and ran some errands in peace while someone else watched your kids. Or, if you know that your mom is watching the kids this coming weekend so you and your husband can have a date night, you’re probably not going to be quite so spun up about any of the fiascos your kids throw your way in the 72 hours before your big night.

My theory is, most moms feel they lose their identity to motherhood. What really defines us anymore? We’re “mommy” and realistically that’s about it. There’s no time to be anything else. Again, please don’t judge. I can absolutely tell you that being a wife and mother to my husband and my girls is hands down the biggest priority in my life and I love them absolutely more than anything. But it goes back to having a balance. I don’t think anyone’s life should be 100% anything. In other words, I think we have to feel that we don’t completely lose our sense of “self” as we wade through the deep, white water rapids of motherhood. We all know how that turns out. We all know that woman and that couple, who after their kids were raised and gone, realized they had nothing else. They had put their kids at the top of their priority list, which isn’t a bad thing, but they forgot to take care of their marriage. So, when the kids grow up and move out, the glue that was holding the marriage together moves out with them.

The point is, I feel like I’m hanging onto “me” by a thread. I feel that I have had to put “me” on hold. It’s like, in August of 2004, my oldest daughter was born and I had to hit the pause button. And I don’t know when I will get to push play. Again, the internal struggle ensues because I don’t want to rush this precious, precious time. But the selfish part of me longs for a sense of identity again. I'm constantly trying to find that perfect balance of being a good mom and keeping a sense of self. And if I figure it out, I'll let you know.

Murmurings of a Busy Modern Mommy

My first daughter was born in 2004 when I was 23 years old. Determined to be the quintessential modern mother, I spent the year following her birth getting my real estate license and starting a floral design business with my family. I had this euphoric yet horribly inaccurate vision in my mind of me sitting at a desk at our business working on the computer or making phone calls while my toddler played quietly by herself with toys on the floor beside me. Why didn't someone slap me? I, being an only child with extremely limited babysitting experience under my belt, had horribly underestimated how children require constant and consistent attention. The point is, after trying to be supermom who took her child to work every day for 18 months (and after learning I was pregnant again), I decided I couldn't do it anymore. So, I began my adventure as a stay at home mother, not realizing it would be a journey full of blood, sweat, and tears.

I'll admit it. I was one of those people who would make huge and demeaning assumptions about a woman who was a "stay at home" mom. How hard is that? You stay at YOUR house all day, with YOUR kids, just taking care of them. Awesome! My, what a difference 4 years makes. I'm a tough person. I'm a smart person. I am a meticulous organizer, multi-tasker, time manager, and planner. And although these traits help somewhat in making things run a little smoother, for the most part it matters not.

Before kids, I was that person who enjoyed having control over my surroundings and over my time. I could make my precious to-do lists and follow them, on a time table I liked. I could go to the grocery store on the same day every week. And always get my hair cut every 6 weeks. And always sort the mail every day. And always pay bills on certain days of the month. And always have my toenails perfectly painted. And always have my glass top table perfectly Windex-ed every day. I even had the labels of my canned goods facing the same way. Okay, so I was almost certifiable....

Now, I'm lucky if I get my hair cut every 3 months or so and my glass top table is the greatest nemesis in my life; daily taunting me with its multitude of smudges and fingerprints and caked on pieces of macaroni. Oh, and I can't even find that damn to-do list. And one of the most simple luxuries I miss the most? Going to the bathroom by myself with the door closed! Wouldn't want someone to climb on the couch, fall onto the tile floor, and bust their face open while you take that selfish moment to go relieve yourself.

See the thing about being a stay at home mother is that you get zero down time. You are always on. 24/7/365. Think about that for a minute. ALL the time; no sick or personal days. At 3 am when she wets the bed and needs a bath and new sheets. At 6:30 am on Saturday when they're awake and asking for pancakes even though you're hungover because you actually had a sitter the night before and went out. At 6 pm when dinner's boiling over and the phone's ringing and one girl needs a diaper change and the other INSISTS that you help her find her Pooh Bear right now and you have to go pee because you've already been putting it off for 30 minutes. At 8 am when you have to be somewhere at 9 and you're trying to make them breakfast, put your makeup on, find your brush that they thought it would fun to hide from you, pack the diaper bag, find your cell phone (which they also hid), get them dressed and find that elusive "other shoe", and when you finally get everyone and everything into the car you discover your car needs gas and you forgot to brush your teeth. Seriously, I could go on and on, but I will just stop. It's stressing me out to even think about it, and you probably have your own stories that are better anyway.

And I only have 2 kids who are three years apart! Translation, I've never had more than one child in diapers at one time. I met a woman last week who has three kids and they're all one year apart, and I'm pretty sure my face melted into an expression of awe and admiration as if I had just met a war hero. Seriously--how does she do it and still have her hair fixed and toenails painted??? Amazing...

Now, I realize how this sounds. I guess through this explosion of emotions, I've made my opinion of motherhood sound pretty horrible. This couldn't be further from the truth. It is absolutely the most difficult, stressful, and life changing experience of my life. But it is also the most rewarding, precious, and heart-warming experience of my life. My toddler can knock off a glass bottle of hot sauce onto the tile and make a that-takes-30-minutes-to-clean-up mess, but then she comes and gives me one of those unsolicited hugs and says "momma" and smiles with her blue eyes shining....and my whole world gets instantly sucked into the vacuum of that moment. And it is a precious reminder that life is really not about to-do lists at all.

I started this blog to be a moment of sanity for busy modern moms. I spent so many days home, crying and overwhelmed, and wishing that I knew I wasn't alone. And hopefully this blog can be a place where women can connect, commiserate, and find some useful tips and resources....all without leaving home. Because god knows...between naptimes, breastfeeding, and laundry, you probably aren't getting out much these days.