Do Perfect Moms Exist?

I'm not a perfect mom, but I've heard about them. You know, those moms who truly love every moment of motherhood, never yell, always have their kids clothes ironed, put a hot meal on the table every night, and never make any parenting “mistake". At least, I think those mothers exist. Or maybe they’re a big urban legend created by someone who wanted to make the rest of us feel bad. True, I only have a few friends who have children, but none of those women are anything like the Supermom of legends. They’re like me. They screw up. They periodically break some of the parenting rules. They sometimes don’t shave their legs for days on end, and their houses are trashed. They drink cocktails before noon on occasion. They sometimes put “real” clothes on just before their husband gets home, and their husband would probably say they don't have enough sex. They secretly wish their kids were old enough start kindergarten. I love these women in my life. They are my beacon of sanity that make me feel like I’m okay.

You would probably agree with me when I say, "My children are my life's greatest blessing". It's true. I love them more than words can say, and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. That being said, let's cut the crap for a minute. There are feelings we have as mothers that aren't exactly politically correct, and we usually end up just holding them in. See, this is the “touchy” part of motherhood. The part that, if you’re honest, people will judge you rather harshly for. Our society doesn’t let you say these things aloud. I mean, what would your friends and family think if your Facebook status said, “Stephanie just totally screamed at her kids and really wants to go drive around for awhile by herself and leave them home alone.”? They would judge you. They would say you’re a bad mom.

I think if most moms were truly allowed to say, without judgment, how they really feel about the stresses of being a stay at home mom, they would say, “I don’t do it because I love it. I do it because I love them.” I can only speak for myself, and at the end of the day I don’t think I’m anywhere close to being the best mom in the world and I certainly don’t love all that comes along with it. However, I’d rather it be me raising them and being with them everyday than anybody else. And that’s why I do it.

Even with the best of intentions, somedays I just don’t know how to keep my sanity. I’m a mature, logical person. I am capable of mentally coaching myself with phrases such as, “Don’t sweat the small stuff” and “Before you know it they’ll be grown, so savor every moment and every mess”. But sometimes I’m unable to mindfreak myself with these things. All I know is that I cannot remember the last time I was alone, either with my husband or just myself. And no, I do not consider naptimes and after-their-bedtimes to be quality alone time with him or myself because what are those times filled with? Getting the other shit done that has to be done. Paying bills or vacuuming, tackling the never ending pile of laundry, or god forbid doing something to keep myself up like paint my toenails or color my hair. No, what I’m talking about is a true break. That kind of break that I hear women talk about and I envy. The kind of break where their nanny, mother, or mother-in-law busts through the door for her four hour shift and you go get in your car alone and buckle only your own seatbelt and go do whatever the hell you want to do out in the real world beyond your front door. Just based on family situations, those breaks in my life have been very few and far between.

See, you’re probably judging me right now, aren’t you? You’re thinking, “Wow, that’s terrible to say you need and want a lot of time away from your kids.” No, it’s not. Because here’s my theory--Short of going to extremes where your child is raised by non-familial household employees while you have an overextended social life and are never home to tuck them in, I think that the more breaks you have for yourself, the better mom you are. Think about it: If you’re making dinner and one kid gets in your purse and smooshes the top of your favorite lipstick into it’s lid and the other gets in the pantry and spills a whole box of Cheerios all over the floor, you’re a lot less likely to lose your shit and yell at them if you went out for an hour or two that morning and ran some errands in peace while someone else watched your kids. Or, if you know that your mom is watching the kids this coming weekend so you and your husband can have a date night, you’re probably not going to be quite so spun up about any of the fiascos your kids throw your way in the 72 hours before your big night.

My theory is, most moms feel they lose their identity to motherhood. What really defines us anymore? We’re “mommy” and realistically that’s about it. There’s no time to be anything else. Again, please don’t judge. I can absolutely tell you that being a wife and mother to my husband and my girls is hands down the biggest priority in my life and I love them absolutely more than anything. But it goes back to having a balance. I don’t think anyone’s life should be 100% anything. In other words, I think we have to feel that we don’t completely lose our sense of “self” as we wade through the deep, white water rapids of motherhood. We all know how that turns out. We all know that woman and that couple, who after their kids were raised and gone, realized they had nothing else. They had put their kids at the top of their priority list, which isn’t a bad thing, but they forgot to take care of their marriage. So, when the kids grow up and move out, the glue that was holding the marriage together moves out with them.

The point is, I feel like I’m hanging onto “me” by a thread. I feel that I have had to put “me” on hold. It’s like, in August of 2004, my oldest daughter was born and I had to hit the pause button. And I don’t know when I will get to push play. Again, the internal struggle ensues because I don’t want to rush this precious, precious time. But the selfish part of me longs for a sense of identity again. I'm constantly trying to find that perfect balance of being a good mom and keeping a sense of self. And if I figure it out, I'll let you know.