You Truly Can Bedazzle ANYTHING

Vajazzling: Do You Dare to Decorate 'Down There?'

Seriously, few things shock me anymore, but this did.  I came across an article on the internet about "vajazzling" and could not believe what I was reading.  Apparently, vajazzling is a very popular and growing trend.  According to the article, in which the author describes her own experience in trying this new trend, many salons around the country are now offering this "service".  The process is pretty basic.  You get a full (and I mean, FULL) wax to make room for your design.  Then, the crystals are applied using adhesive in the design of your choice.  At Completely Bare Salon in New York City, designs start around $115 and go up to over $700, including the wax.  Here is one of their photos:

I'm all about freedom of expression, so for those women up for bedazzling their unmentionables....more power to you!  However, I can't say I'm personally interested in trying it myself.  It just seems to me that alot could go wrong logistically.  You know, how do you know a crystal won't get snagged on your panties and ripped off?  That can't possibly feel good.  Or, as my husband said, how does it look when the hair begins to grow back?  He guessed it might look something like this:

Yeah, call me old fashioned, but I think I'll stick with my razor and a normal "trim".  If any of you have tried it, please comment and tell us all about it.  Inquiring minds want to know!

Goosfrabba: Not Sweating the Small Stuff

One major side effect of being a Type-A, meticulous, borderline-OCD, overachieving perfectionist is that pretty much everything makes you frustrated and pissed off.  In my ideal world, everything is orderly and organized.  That's just the way my brain operates.  The checkbook is always balanced.  The kitchen is clean before and after each meal.  The house, in general, is always clean.  Things always go according to my ideal timeline and schedule.  Laundry is always caught up.  My car is always clean, inside and out.  (I know, that one's really funny when you have kids.....)  Things should always go according to my perfectly thought-out plans.

To my credit, these personality traits I have come very much in handy in many aspects of life.  Bills are always paid on time.  Our filing cabinet is gloriously organized.  There are no expired medicines in our medicine cabinet or outdated foods in the fridge.  Our taxes are always filed circa February 1st.  No cabinet or closet in my house throws up at you when you open the door.  Heck, even our garage is clean and organized.  However, in other parts of life, my expectations are so ridiculously out of line with reality.  Living with a 2-year-old and a 5-year old, and having an obsession for order and cleanliness go together about as well as the Clampetts and McCoys.  No wonder I've been so stressed out for the past 5 years!

I've met those "other kind" of moms.  The ones who are always chilled and laid back.  They don't get worked up when their kid accidentally pees down the side of the toilet or knocks over an entire cup of orange juice.  They just smile and say, "Oopsie!" in such a kind, understanding voice.  My mother-in-law is one of these people.  Things don't bother her.  She doesn't have a problem relaxing if the dishes from dinner aren't immediately cleaned up.  She can sit and genuinely enjoy watching her granddaughters play on her back patio, even though that usually means they're digging up half of her potted plants.  She has that wonderful ability to stop and enjoy the little moments in life.  I admire that about her.

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but at least I'm not alone in my perfectionist predicament.  You know those marriages where the two people are total opposites, so they balance each other out?  Yeah, I don't have one of those.  Sexy Hubby and I are two peas in a Type-A pod.  We're both perfectionists.  We both like order!  And we both get easily spun up when one of our monkeys spills something or makes a mess or doesn't immediately follow our instructions.

After a particularly stressful Saturday last weekend, we found ourselves very spun up and stressed out by all the little imperfections that a day with two little ones inevitably brings.  We realized that we had not enjoyed all the good things about our day together as a family because we focused on all the imperfections of the day.  And then, we had somewhat of an epiphany.  We have to just stop freaking out.  It's that simple.  Just chill.  "Goosfrabba....."  It has to be a conscious decision to simply not get worked up about things that don't really matter.  We decided right then and there to make a commitment to improving our ability to separate the Big Stuff from the Small Stuff.  Throwing the Barbie car at you sister's head = Big Stuff.  Dropping Goldfish on the floor = Small Stuff.  Life is so stressful anyway, and our ridiculous expectations and low stress thresh hold have been making it worse.  Getting angry doesn't make kids any less messy or less noisy.  It only makes us more stressed.  And, to make it easier, we're turning chilling out into a team sport.  We agreed to try to pull each other back from the edge of pissed off, because luckily we're both not usually there at the same time.

After less than a week of our new way of dealing with our emotions, things have been so much better.  Don't get me wrong.  We weren't chronically angry child abusers before or anything.  But we have just made a conscious effort to be more calm.  And in return, I've seen a difference in our girls.  They're more calm too.  And I feel a million times better.  My insides just feel a little more warm and fuzzy without so much stress in my life.  Now, I'm only human.  I'm sure my high-strung tendencies will try to creep back in at times.  And when my daughter crushes my favorite lipstick in its lid or drops her iPod in the toilet, I will do my best to keep my anger in check.  Either way, I'll keep you updated on my progress.  Wish me luck!

Do Perfect Moms Exist?

I'm not a perfect mom, but I've heard about them. You know, those moms who truly love every moment of motherhood, never yell, always have their kids clothes ironed, put a hot meal on the table every night, and never make any parenting “mistake". At least, I think those mothers exist. Or maybe they’re a big urban legend created by someone who wanted to make the rest of us feel bad. True, I only have a few friends who have children, but none of those women are anything like the Supermom of legends. They’re like me. They screw up. They periodically break some of the parenting rules. They sometimes don’t shave their legs for days on end, and their houses are trashed. They drink cocktails before noon on occasion. They sometimes put “real” clothes on just before their husband gets home, and their husband would probably say they don't have enough sex. They secretly wish their kids were old enough start kindergarten. I love these women in my life. They are my beacon of sanity that make me feel like I’m okay.

You would probably agree with me when I say, "My children are my life's greatest blessing". It's true. I love them more than words can say, and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. That being said, let's cut the crap for a minute. There are feelings we have as mothers that aren't exactly politically correct, and we usually end up just holding them in. See, this is the “touchy” part of motherhood. The part that, if you’re honest, people will judge you rather harshly for. Our society doesn’t let you say these things aloud. I mean, what would your friends and family think if your Facebook status said, “Stephanie just totally screamed at her kids and really wants to go drive around for awhile by herself and leave them home alone.”? They would judge you. They would say you’re a bad mom.

I think if most moms were truly allowed to say, without judgment, how they really feel about the stresses of being a stay at home mom, they would say, “I don’t do it because I love it. I do it because I love them.” I can only speak for myself, and at the end of the day I don’t think I’m anywhere close to being the best mom in the world and I certainly don’t love all that comes along with it. However, I’d rather it be me raising them and being with them everyday than anybody else. And that’s why I do it.

Even with the best of intentions, somedays I just don’t know how to keep my sanity. I’m a mature, logical person. I am capable of mentally coaching myself with phrases such as, “Don’t sweat the small stuff” and “Before you know it they’ll be grown, so savor every moment and every mess”. But sometimes I’m unable to mindfreak myself with these things. All I know is that I cannot remember the last time I was alone, either with my husband or just myself. And no, I do not consider naptimes and after-their-bedtimes to be quality alone time with him or myself because what are those times filled with? Getting the other shit done that has to be done. Paying bills or vacuuming, tackling the never ending pile of laundry, or god forbid doing something to keep myself up like paint my toenails or color my hair. No, what I’m talking about is a true break. That kind of break that I hear women talk about and I envy. The kind of break where their nanny, mother, or mother-in-law busts through the door for her four hour shift and you go get in your car alone and buckle only your own seatbelt and go do whatever the hell you want to do out in the real world beyond your front door. Just based on family situations, those breaks in my life have been very few and far between.

See, you’re probably judging me right now, aren’t you? You’re thinking, “Wow, that’s terrible to say you need and want a lot of time away from your kids.” No, it’s not. Because here’s my theory--Short of going to extremes where your child is raised by non-familial household employees while you have an overextended social life and are never home to tuck them in, I think that the more breaks you have for yourself, the better mom you are. Think about it: If you’re making dinner and one kid gets in your purse and smooshes the top of your favorite lipstick into it’s lid and the other gets in the pantry and spills a whole box of Cheerios all over the floor, you’re a lot less likely to lose your shit and yell at them if you went out for an hour or two that morning and ran some errands in peace while someone else watched your kids. Or, if you know that your mom is watching the kids this coming weekend so you and your husband can have a date night, you’re probably not going to be quite so spun up about any of the fiascos your kids throw your way in the 72 hours before your big night.

My theory is, most moms feel they lose their identity to motherhood. What really defines us anymore? We’re “mommy” and realistically that’s about it. There’s no time to be anything else. Again, please don’t judge. I can absolutely tell you that being a wife and mother to my husband and my girls is hands down the biggest priority in my life and I love them absolutely more than anything. But it goes back to having a balance. I don’t think anyone’s life should be 100% anything. In other words, I think we have to feel that we don’t completely lose our sense of “self” as we wade through the deep, white water rapids of motherhood. We all know how that turns out. We all know that woman and that couple, who after their kids were raised and gone, realized they had nothing else. They had put their kids at the top of their priority list, which isn’t a bad thing, but they forgot to take care of their marriage. So, when the kids grow up and move out, the glue that was holding the marriage together moves out with them.

The point is, I feel like I’m hanging onto “me” by a thread. I feel that I have had to put “me” on hold. It’s like, in August of 2004, my oldest daughter was born and I had to hit the pause button. And I don’t know when I will get to push play. Again, the internal struggle ensues because I don’t want to rush this precious, precious time. But the selfish part of me longs for a sense of identity again. I'm constantly trying to find that perfect balance of being a good mom and keeping a sense of self. And if I figure it out, I'll let you know.

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Concrete Staining: No, seriously. You can do this!

Do you have a boring, gray, concrete patio like this?

Two days and $100 ago, I did too. But now, it looks like this.

Concrete staining is the best kept secret in cheap home updates. My patio now looks like a million bucks. Everyone who sees it comments on it and can't believe I did it all by myself. I always loved the look of concrete stain, but thought it was something that had to be left to the professionals. But I read a few online articles, watched a few how-to YouTube videos, and I learned all I needed to know to do it myself.
To get started, locate a concrete supply dealer who sells acid concrete stain. This is not something you can pick up at Home Depot or Lowe's. I paid $49 for 1 gallon, which easily gave me two coats on my 300 square foot patio. If you're unable to locate a dealer who sells it, you can also order it online from this company. (They even provide free shipping with orders over $40.) Stains are available in a variety of colors.
Other supplies you'll need include: a plastic bucket, 1-2 gallons of ammonia, rubber gloves, a push broom (with no metal bristles), a vapor mask, a bottle of concrete sealer, and a paint roller. I literally paid a total of $95 for all these supplies, including the stain, to do my entire 300 square foot patio.
Of course, different stains vary, so you'll need to follow the manufacturer's instructions. But here are the basics. Start with a clean patio. Professionals will tell you that you need to power wash your patio first. I used a water hose to remove all debris and dirt, and I was very happy with my results. Then, apply the stain. Again, follow the bottle's directions. Remember, you are working with acid. So, keep the kiddos and pets away. Also, when diluting, remember Chemistry 101. Always add acid to water, never vice versa.
Next, working in small sections, pour a liberal amount of the diluted stain on the concrete and work it into the concrete with the push broom using circular motions. The idea here is to prevent the stain from puddling by keeping it moving while the concrete absorbs it, which it eventually will. I'm not gonna lie--my back and arms hurt for a few days but it's definitely worth it. You'll need to let the stain set, usually for about 4 hours. The color will continue to develop during that time. If you want it to be darker, apply a second coat. I chose to apply two coats because I was going for a very dark look. If you're happy with the results at that point, it's time to neutralize the acid. You'll want to dilute the ammonia: 8 parts water, 1 part ammonia in a bucket and dump it across the concrete. Use your broom (which you rinsed, of course) to make sure the ammonia solution gets on every bit of the acid. Then, hose it off. When it dries, you'll notice the effect of the stain, but it will be very dull and matte until you seal it. This entire process literally only took me about two hours. Here are photos taken during the application process.

After a day of being dry, you're ready to seal the concrete. Sealing protects the color and gives the stain a shiny, wet look. Again, follow manufacturer's instructions for sealing. I applied mine with a paint roller, but you can also use a hand-pump-style garden sprayer for most brands. Sealing, again I applied two coats, only took me about 30 minutes.
This was literally one of the most dramatic changes I could have possibly made to our backyard for a measly $100 and four hours of work. Make this your next weekend project. You'll be glad you did!

Tirade Against Technology (continued...)

I was inspired by my "I Want My Pager Back" post to extend my tirade against technology. My frustrations really go way beyond that of cell phones and texting. So, excuse me while I vent a bit.
Circa 1988, I seriously remember sitting by my Emerson 2-cassette jambox with a blank tape loaded and the Record and Pause buttons both pressed, just wishing and waiting for NKOTB's "Hangin' Tough" to play so I could record it. Luckily, it played on the radio about every 10 minutes, so I didn't have to wait long. And I would play it, and rewind it, and play it again, and rewind it, and play it again and again and again.

And let's talk about movies. We had a VCR that was about as big as my current microwave. You remember...it was the one where the tape was loaded and removed from the big door that popped out of the top of it. Yeah, and there was no remote control. You had to get your butt off the couch and hold down the rewind and fast-forward buttons while estimating how long it would take to get to your favorite part of the movie. Then, push play and try to remember if your favorite part is before or after that part. You know what I'm talking about....

I remember dropping off film and being so anxious for 3 days until the photos come back. I remember calling my friend's house over and over and getting the busy signal because her mom was yapping. I remember adjusting the rabbit ears on my grandma's TV. I remember when Nintendo's Duck Hunt was the bombdigity. I realize my older readers can totally outdo all these stories. I know, I know. You only had 4 channels and they were all in black and white and you only had one TV in your whole house and you had a party line. Moving on.

Full disclosure: Sure, I plunder many riches of the digital age. I love that I can record my shallow, guilty pleasure reality-shows and watch them later when nobody's there to judge me. (Dear Kris Jenner: Thank you for whoring out your daughters for my entertainment.) But my kids are already disgustingly spoiled by today's digital goodies. They instantly demand, "I want to see!" when their picture is taken and have no clue what "film" is. They're mad if they have to sit through a commercial because whatever they're watching is actually on live TV and not recorded on DVR. They demand "another one time" while I'm driving if they like the last song played on the iPod. Even my youngest, at 2 1/2 years of age, can efficiently navigate a DVD scene selection menu to get to her favorite part or pause live TV using the DVR remote while she goes to the potty.

My point is this: I wonder, given the rate we're making all of these advances, where technology will be by the time my kids have kids? Will we all be like those people in Wall-E? Floating around dumb, fat, and happy in our virtual-reality hover chairs that feed us, entertain us, and wipe our butts? I mean, really. Where does it end? Don't get me wrong. I'm not ready to toss my laptop and flatscreen and live an Amish-ish life; I'm just sayin'...

A Mother-of-the-Year Moment

It was Easter morning. Everything was going relatively well. We all got up, and had breakfast which consisted mostly of hollow chocolate bunnies. But it's a holiday, so who cares, right? Hair and teeth were brushed, pretty dresses were on, and we actually made it out the door on time for church. The girls really enjoyed children's church, and we enjoyed the worship service. Then, on the drive home.....our 2-year-old raised up her dress and said, "I didn't wear panties to church. But it's okay. I didn't show the other kids." I knew I had forgotten something.
 

I Want My Pager Back

When I was in high school, I don't remember one kid having a cell phone; we all had pagers. A friend would page you with their "code" or phone number, and you would call them back whenever you could find a landline to use. "Online social networking" consisted of your pain-in-the-butt dial-up connection which took you to your "You've Got Mail" AOL account. Other than that, keeping in touch with friends was accomplished using home phones with answering machines and stuffing folded notes into lockers between classes. Wasn't that so much simpler? People were patient, because they had to be.

Now, things are different. I'm a little peeved at technology because it's beginning to feel like an ever-tightening leash around all of our necks. Yes, it has it's glorious attributes such as online grocery shopping with delivery, DVR, and iPods, but technology has turned us into instant gratification whores who can't wait for ANYTHING. Just because I have a cell phone, home phone, Facebook page, and email account, it doesn't mean (in my opinion) that I am obliged to always be accessible. When you call, maybe I'm legitimately unable to answer the phone because I'm swimming in my pool or I'm at the gym or in a movie . Or, maybe I just don't want to talk to you right now.

We all have that friend or relative. You know, the one who will call your cell phone and leave a voicemail when you don't answer. But then, if you haven't returned their call in 3-5 minutes, they're calling your home phone, Tweeting at you, texting you, and posting on your Facebook page variations of, "OMG, why aren't you calling me back? Are you mad at me? What's wrong???" They assume something horrible has happened to you because there's no other reason you wouldn't be reachable at all times. Put yourself in my shoes for a minute. Let's say I was using the little girls room. Hearing my cell phone ring followed by a voicemail chime, and then hearing my home phone ring, and then hearing a text notification on my cell makes me think something horrible has happened to YOU! And now we've both gotten ourselves worked up for an imaginary emergency, and I probably wasn't too successful in the little girls room because I couldn't relax. Oh, and by the way, if something horrible HAD happened to me, I wouldn't answer the phone anyway no matter how many times you called.

I realize I've probably made everyone who knows me afraid to ever call me again. This was honestly not my intention. But with that said, just leave a voicemail. I'll call you back when I can. (Or when I want to....)

"Pole Models": Thanks Shakira, Britney, etc. for showing my daughter how to act like a whore

Being a young girl was hard. I remember wishing I looked more like the girls on the cover of Teen Magazine, having less than desirable skills in the hair and makeup department, and praying my chest would develop (oh, wait...I still am). Anyway, I digress. Society teaches girls at a very young age that pretty is better, and it doesn't seem that boys have to deal with the same looks-based pressures.

When I was very young, I remember seeing a picture of Billy Joel with Christie Brinkley and thinking, "Hmmm......" A picture is truly worth a thousand words. It seems as a guy, you can have money or be a rock star and that makes you "cool". But as a girl, (sorry, feminists but it's true) our society places a lot more importance on looks. This is a hard message to hear when you're going through those awkward adolescent years. We watch beauty pageants, see airbrushed photo spreads, and watch TV shows and movies chocked full of hot and sexy perfection. Meanwhile, we're getting our periods, freaking out at the arrival of body hair, and dealing with raging hormones and puppy love.

Of course, to be fair, we are also taught that women can be as successful, or even more so, than men. We can be educated and go after any career path we choose. We can be astronauts or politicians or boxers or Supreme Court justices. However, with that said, how many Janet Reno or Hillary jokes have you heard? Women can be successful in every professional way, but our looks are still evaluated and critiqued. Bill Gates is butt-ugly, yet is hardly made fun of for his looks.

As hard as I thought it was to BE a young girl, I now feel it's harder to RAISE a young girl. If it were left completely up to me, I would fill my girls' minds with warm fuzzies about self-image, and I would convince them that they are beautiful, inside and out, no matter their waist size or bone structure. And I will certainly give it my best shot. But I have to be honest; it's a little intimidating when I think about all the evil, superficial influences lurking outside of these four walls.

Britney Spears can't either a) wear underwear OR b) keep her legs together. Women are auctioning off their virginity at The Bunny Ranch to pay for college. Jessica Simpson sings a horrible song while washing a car in a bikini, and it's called "musical entertainment". There are reality shows where you have a series of surgeries to look like your favorite celebrity. Almost every woman who makes it in music and Hollywood these days is a super-skinny, spray-tanned, fake-eyelashed, silicon enhanced, hair-extensioned, lip-injected, Botoxed, unrealistic idea of beauty. And half the time they're not even that talented, which reinforces the messed-up message that looks are all you need. Paris Hilton is famous, for doing nothing. She's a complete oxygen thief. Again, the message seems to be, "Act like a slut, make a sex tape (or two), and you'll be sexy, famous, and desirable."

Luckily, for now, my daughters are perfectly content with a programming line-up of Sprout and Disney Channel. But I'm terrified of the coming day when someone (from school, definitely, because it sure as hell won't be me) will tell them about VH1, E!, and MTV. It's horrifying! Have you watched it lately? In my day, which wasn't that long ago, those channels were fairly benign. The worst you would see was Axel Rose's ridiculously tight pants and Madonna rolling around on the floor in her lingerie "bride" outfit. Even the cast of The Real World was pretty normal. Remember Julie, Eric, and Heather? For heaven's sake, can we please have them back instead of these awful Jersey Shore people? And Paula Abdul may have danced a little nasty in Cold Hearted Snake, but she actually had quite a bit of clothes on while doing it.

Let me be clear. I'm no prude, and I certainly believe in the importance of staying fit and healthy and not just letting your looks go out of laziness. However, these days it just seems like anything goes. Chicks are making out with each other on award shows, a sex tape or scandal makes you more popular, and even the Disney "tweens" are engaging in promiscuous behavior. (i.e. Ms. Vanessa "sexting" Hudgens)

I saw a special on Shakira where a film crew followed her to her home country of Colombia, and she visited an elementary school to meet some local children. One of the girls, with great pride, went up to her and said, "I know some of your dance moves!" She proceeded to lie on the floor and seductively hump the floor while running her hands all over her body. I mean, come on. Really? And the worst part? Shakira seemed flattered.

Of course, our job as parents is to communicate openly with our girls. We have to make them realize that the photos in magazines are airbrushed and most of Miley's beautiful, wavy hair isn't really hers. It's all an illusion, and we have to teach them what real beauty is. I realize I can't control the things my daughters will see and hear, but it is a little daunting when you see everything out there just waiting to make them feel bad about themselves. I know they will work through their own self-image issues just like I did, err....am. I'd just really like to be able to put it off for a few more years; like, oh I don't know, til they're at least 10. So, please Disney Channel, would you be so kind as to make Selena Gomez' new music video (which you insist on playing during Playhouse Disney) a little less sexy? 'K, thanks.

Renaissance Festival = Redneck Disneyland

As those of you who have children know, Valentine's Day can still be about intimate, candlelit dinners and rose-petal covered beds....but probably due to lack of a sitter or lack of energy or a combination of both, those kinds of evenings are on hold for a few years. In reality, Valentine's Day for many parents has become more about restaurants where tickets are traded for overpriced crap, and if you're really lucky, Redbox on the way home. This year, my husband decided to spice it up a bit, take advantage of the gorgeous, sunny 70-degree temperatures, and take me and our girls to Arizona Renaissance Festival. Excellent decision.

For the same reason I love to watch Rock of Love and C.O.P.S. and hang out at JFK International Airport, the Festival did not disappoint; finest specimen of people-watching I've had in years. I had not been to a renaissance festival since I was a little girl, so for all intensive purposes this was completely new to me. And it was glorious; at this place, you see it all. This truly is a redneck Disneyland and we had front row seats. (It's okay; I have kin folk scattered all throughout the South and Southeast, so I can get away with calling people rednecks.)

You know how at Halloween, people suddenly think it's okay to put on a too-small whorish outfit and walk around in public like it's no big thing? Well, this was the same, except it was daytime and in February. Oh, and there was of course the overall medieval theme and an abundance of horrible British accents and armpit hair (maidens included).

Today, I saw more back fat oozing out through corset strings than anyone should ever see. (Not that everyone needs to be thin, but come on people: know your wardrobe limits.) I saw middle-aged, mullet-sporting rednecks dressed up in elaborate, genuine pirate costumes except for the "I killed Edward" t-shirt. I saw a royal knight boisterously announcing to his friends that his kid's loose tooth was now firmly lodged into a turkey leg. I saw a fairy who certainly was under the influence of some sort of special dust. I saw teens effortlessly pulling off a style combination of jester and goth. I saw a young, drunken maiden puking in a trash can. I saw a Henry VIII look-a-like eating Steak-on-a-Stick while pushing a Graco stroller with a beer in the stroller's cup holder.

These people take this very seriously! In fact, I learned that many of them do this for a living and travel around the country with these festivals, much like circus folk do. This is an entire subculture I knew nothing of. I guess, for me, what was so amusing besides the over the top costumes was all the hilarious contradictions. For people so intent on being historically accurate, why do they somehow think that excessive tattoos and body piercings and a pack of smokes tucked into your cleavage fits into the historical motif?

So, after the initial culture shock wore off, I really did start to have a great time. I mean, the weather was gorgeous, they did serve beer and wine, and my usually hard-to-please children were having a blast. As far as they knew, this place was no different than Disneyland. There was face painting, jugglers, and music. There are rides to ride, ice cream and candy to eat, $20 princess hats to buy, animals to pet, and public urination to witness. Oh, wait...nevermind. And when our kids are having a good time, so are we. It was truly a great day.

But then, after extensive lemonades and milkshakes, my daughters, of course, had to use "The Privies". As I was desperately trying to get in and out of there without either of them touching anything, I glanced up to see something that shocked even me. (And really, after seeing all 658 episodes of HBO's Real Sex and selling sex toys, I thought I'd seen it all.) There in the Privies was a woman who, for the most part, was wearing the standard ladies outfit for this event: long flowing hoop skirt, fishnets, combat boots, and corset. However, in lieu of the typical white blouse showing over the corset, she wore.....(wait for it)...a chain mail bra. I'm not kidding. She stood there, bad ass as she wanted to be, while the rest of us in the restroom stared at her wondering how in the hell her nipples didn't get pinched off or at least chafed to death while wearing metal mesh across her tits. Now, luckily, she was a taller broad and my daughters are still under four feet tall, so they didn't notice her. There would've been an incredibly awkward silence after one of my girls loudly asked me why that lady's boobies are in cages.

We left the Privies without further incident and I ran to my husband anxious to tell him what I had just seen. I was sure he would be shocked and entertained by my unbelievable find. However, he had been to this festival numerous times before, and he was not shocked at all. He simply looked at me, smiled, and said, "Why do you think I brought you here? Happy Valentine's Day."

10 Tips for Losing the Baby Weight

There are many times during my first pregnancy where I was proven to be very naive and ignorant about the whole procreating process. One of those moments was when I foolishly expected all my "baby weight" to exit my body right along with my daughter. I mean, I'm not pregnant any more so everything should be back to normal, right? Wrong.
There is a photo of me being rolled out of the hospital in a wheelchair with my daughter in my lap, and I have a circa 25-weeks-preggers belly hanging out from underneath my tank top and over the edge of my sweatpants. Did they leave another kid in there or something? And, could none of my many loved ones who were present help a sister out and pull my shirt down for me when so many cameras were going off? Anyway, I digress.
The truth is, getting your pre-baby body back is no easy task, especially when your former free time is now 100% occupied with pumpings, changings, and feedings. Luckily, I found a way to get back to fighting weight pretty quickly, and if you're interested I will tell you how to do it too. I'm not gonna lie--it's not easy. But, if you can muster up a bit of self-discipline, convince yourself that you're not allergic to exercise, and put down the ice cream sandwich (you don't have the "I'm eating for 2" excuse anymore...) then you can do it too.
1. CUT CALORIES WITH SUBSTITUTIONS: Will you really notice if you use fat-free half & half in your coffee instead of cream? Probably not. And you just saved yourself 35 calories. Substitute for the low-fat or fat-free versions of several other foods you use on the daily basis, and the calorie savings can really add up. Consider switching: reduced-fat mayo for regular mayo, fat-free milk for whole or 2%, low-fat sour cream for regular sour cream, frozen yogurt for ice cream, ground turkey for ground beef, turkey bacon for pork bacon, and reduced-fat cheeses for regular cheese. The calorie savings can really start to add up.
2. STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND EXERCISE: Real weight loss results will come with a combination of healthy eating and exercise. Sorry ladies, but one without the other won't get you as far. Yes, it's hard to find alone time to get to the gym, and most of us don't have the money or room for a home gym. But, there are plenty of workout routines you can do at home with little or no equipment. There's a reason that exercises like push-ups, lunges, squats, and crunches are workout classics; they get results. And the bonus is, there's no fancy equipment required. Add a few dumbbells, which are very inexpensive, to add more resistance. There are also plenty of websites that will help you customize your at-home workout and give you ideas for new equipment-less exercises to add to your routine. I used Women's Health Magazine's site to get pre-designed workouts. I also subscribed to their magazine which is chocked full of healthy & delicious recipes, workout tips, and nutritional advice.
3. BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR BEVERAGE CHOICES: Would you believe that a Starbucks Grande Vanilla Latte contains 250 calories? Or one bottle of VitaminWater contains 100-125 calories and almost as much sugar as a can of Coca-Cola? Sometimes our beverage choices that we think are harmless are completely sabotaging our daily calorie count. Opt for water and add lemons or limes to add more flavor. Or choose a low-calorie sports drink option such as Gatorade's Propel which contains only 25 calories per bottle. Also, consider adding Green Tea to your beverage repertoire. Green Tea has been proven to rev up your metabolism, inhibit fat absorption, and regulate glucose levels. I'm talking good ole' plain, unsweetened Green Tea. There are some hopped up, sugary versions on the market that are just as bad as sodas. And for your happy hour selection, pass on the margarita which contains on average 450 calories. Consider a glass of white wine (100 calories) or a vodka and diet tonic (65 calories).
4. REWARD YOURSELF: If you're constantly feeling deprived or hungry, you're more likely to splurge and overindulge. So, reward yourself periodically. For me, the weekends are off-days. I do my best when I stay disciplined and make healthy food choices during the week and let myself indulge a little on the weekends. It gives me something to look forward to and prevents awful cravings from taking over and ruining my progress. Another trick I read about is buying yourself some cute new workout clothes, wrapping them up like a gift, and then setting it out in your house where you'll see it everyday. Give yourself a goal to reach and open your gift when you reach it. The idea is to reward yourself for all your hard work and self-discipline. Find what rewards work best for you.
5. INSPIRE YOURSELF: Again, you have to find what personally inspires you. For me, it was trying on my "before" jeans everyday (even though they didn't fit) to remind me how much I wanted to fit into them again. There were sometimes tears involved, but it did keep me focused on my goal. Also, for added cruelty, I cut out a picture of a Victoria's Secret model and taped it inside my refrigerator. Looking at that skinny bitch when I was hunting for a carb fix was a definite deterrent.
6. SET REALISTIC GOALS: If you gained 75 pounds during your pregnancy, it's unreasonable to expect yourself to get your pre-baby body back in a month. Talk to your doctor about what a healthy rate of weight loss is, and make that your goal. A goal isn't really a goal unless you write it down. So, write it down and hold yourself accountable.
7. KNOW YOUR WEAKNESSES: Get honest with yourself about what will hinder you in reaching your goals. For me, I know that I have no willpower when it comes to eating. So, if I'm hungry and I open my fridge to see cookie dough, chances are there's a spoonful of it going in my mouth soon in lieu of apple slices. Therefore, my real battle is at the grocery store. I know that if I make bad choices at the store, I won't be able to control my urges at home. I try to make a list and stick to it!
8. DON'T TRY TO DO IT ALONE: When someone else knows about your goal, it encourages accountability. If you quit or slack off, it helps to have someone to call you out on it. So, enlist a friend to share goals with or ask her to be your workout buddy. Talk to your spouse about practicing healthier lifestyle choices together. (He may have a little gut to lose, too.) Or join a weight-loss center such as Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers.
9. FIND HELPFUL RESOURCES: As I mentioned, use websites to customize your workouts. Use a weight-loss center to help. Search for websites that offer delicious, healthy recipes and build your shopping list from those recipes.
10. REMEMBER, YOU'RE HELPING YOUR WHOLE FAMILY: Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is a priceless gift to give to your children. Like me, you've probably seen obese parents on Dr. Phil pleading for help because they just have no idea why their 8-year-old is 140 pounds. And then they blame the kid for sneaking into the kitchen at night and eating a whole box of Little Debbie cakes. It's all I can do to not throw the remote at the TV and say, "Why the hell are you buying Little Debbies?!? If they're not in the house, the kid can't eat them!" Children are "monkey see, monkey do" kind of creatures. They learn by example, so do them and yourself a favor by setting a good one.

Murmurings of a Busy Modern Mommy

My first daughter was born in 2004 when I was 23 years old. Determined to be the quintessential modern mother, I spent the year following her birth getting my real estate license and starting a floral design business with my family. I had this euphoric yet horribly inaccurate vision in my mind of me sitting at a desk at our business working on the computer or making phone calls while my toddler played quietly by herself with toys on the floor beside me. Why didn't someone slap me? I, being an only child with extremely limited babysitting experience under my belt, had horribly underestimated how children require constant and consistent attention. The point is, after trying to be supermom who took her child to work every day for 18 months (and after learning I was pregnant again), I decided I couldn't do it anymore. So, I began my adventure as a stay at home mother, not realizing it would be a journey full of blood, sweat, and tears.

I'll admit it. I was one of those people who would make huge and demeaning assumptions about a woman who was a "stay at home" mom. How hard is that? You stay at YOUR house all day, with YOUR kids, just taking care of them. Awesome! My, what a difference 4 years makes. I'm a tough person. I'm a smart person. I am a meticulous organizer, multi-tasker, time manager, and planner. And although these traits help somewhat in making things run a little smoother, for the most part it matters not.

Before kids, I was that person who enjoyed having control over my surroundings and over my time. I could make my precious to-do lists and follow them, on a time table I liked. I could go to the grocery store on the same day every week. And always get my hair cut every 6 weeks. And always sort the mail every day. And always pay bills on certain days of the month. And always have my toenails perfectly painted. And always have my glass top table perfectly Windex-ed every day. I even had the labels of my canned goods facing the same way. Okay, so I was almost certifiable....

Now, I'm lucky if I get my hair cut every 3 months or so and my glass top table is the greatest nemesis in my life; daily taunting me with its multitude of smudges and fingerprints and caked on pieces of macaroni. Oh, and I can't even find that damn to-do list. And one of the most simple luxuries I miss the most? Going to the bathroom by myself with the door closed! Wouldn't want someone to climb on the couch, fall onto the tile floor, and bust their face open while you take that selfish moment to go relieve yourself.

See the thing about being a stay at home mother is that you get zero down time. You are always on. 24/7/365. Think about that for a minute. ALL the time; no sick or personal days. At 3 am when she wets the bed and needs a bath and new sheets. At 6:30 am on Saturday when they're awake and asking for pancakes even though you're hungover because you actually had a sitter the night before and went out. At 6 pm when dinner's boiling over and the phone's ringing and one girl needs a diaper change and the other INSISTS that you help her find her Pooh Bear right now and you have to go pee because you've already been putting it off for 30 minutes. At 8 am when you have to be somewhere at 9 and you're trying to make them breakfast, put your makeup on, find your brush that they thought it would fun to hide from you, pack the diaper bag, find your cell phone (which they also hid), get them dressed and find that elusive "other shoe", and when you finally get everyone and everything into the car you discover your car needs gas and you forgot to brush your teeth. Seriously, I could go on and on, but I will just stop. It's stressing me out to even think about it, and you probably have your own stories that are better anyway.

And I only have 2 kids who are three years apart! Translation, I've never had more than one child in diapers at one time. I met a woman last week who has three kids and they're all one year apart, and I'm pretty sure my face melted into an expression of awe and admiration as if I had just met a war hero. Seriously--how does she do it and still have her hair fixed and toenails painted??? Amazing...

Now, I realize how this sounds. I guess through this explosion of emotions, I've made my opinion of motherhood sound pretty horrible. This couldn't be further from the truth. It is absolutely the most difficult, stressful, and life changing experience of my life. But it is also the most rewarding, precious, and heart-warming experience of my life. My toddler can knock off a glass bottle of hot sauce onto the tile and make a that-takes-30-minutes-to-clean-up mess, but then she comes and gives me one of those unsolicited hugs and says "momma" and smiles with her blue eyes shining....and my whole world gets instantly sucked into the vacuum of that moment. And it is a precious reminder that life is really not about to-do lists at all.

I started this blog to be a moment of sanity for busy modern moms. I spent so many days home, crying and overwhelmed, and wishing that I knew I wasn't alone. And hopefully this blog can be a place where women can connect, commiserate, and find some useful tips and resources....all without leaving home. Because god knows...between naptimes, breastfeeding, and laundry, you probably aren't getting out much these days.